The Beginning of an end
Can a healthy, young, energetic, vegan, organic eating, runner have a miscarriage? The answer would seem to be no. But the truth of the matter is yes, yes even the most healthy and on top of their body and on top of the exercise game woman can have a miscarriage.
It seems like one of those things that would happen to anyone else but me, I know my body better then any one, I trust my gut, I know when things are not right. But this is one time I heard by body loud and clear, my gut was yelling at me to listen but I didn't want to listen. "I have had 3 fantastic births to 3 full term babies that were easy and no complications even after, why would this pregnancy be different?" Life likes to put you in your place, humble you to make sure you know that you are indeed not in full control.
This pregnancy was different from day one, with all the kids I knew that before a test could agree with me that we were caring a child. I know deep in my gut so that when the test was taken there were no surprises. This time was different, I had no idea I was pregnant. We were trying for a baby but I thought my window of fertility has passed and I was waiting patiently for the confirmation of that to come. It didn't come, the days passed and I finally took a test and to my surprise it was positive! The shock was something I had never felt with the other kids, I was genuinely surprised and not sure how far along I was. 6 weeks. The symptoms were so weak in comparison to the other pregnancies that my gut was warning me, "something is off'", I didn't want to listen. The weeks passed and the morning sickness was so light it wasn't even sickness. My gut said "This baby won't last", I didn't want to listen. With all the kids I wouldn't loose a hair! My head was full and lush and not till about 3 months post birth would I start loosing hair. With this baby I was loosing hair left and right. Again, I didn't want to listen.
Days passed, we took announcement photos with the other boys so we could share the joy with friends and family. Those pictures are something I can't even look at right now, its like a parallel universe that existed but I left.
My gut was warning me
I was listening to a NPR broadcast about a woman who was a reporter and at 20 weeks lost a baby and when listening to her story instead of wanting to turn if off my mind was taking these morbid mental notes and I couldn't figure out why. More warning signs that I should have seen. The pregnancy progressed to the point of the exciting 10-11 week visit for the heart beat and the whole family came. I had a small stomach and was confident I was pregnant. My midwife who has been there for the other 3 kids and knows me like I know myself was there to find the heartbeat and do the normal first visit stuff. She gets the doppler and starts looking for the amazing sounds of the galloping heartbeat of this tiny baby living inside you. She looks, nothing. Looks more, nothing. Gets a stronger doppler, still nothing. It was the longest 10 minutes of my life and yet some how I wasn't surprised. My gut turned to look at me with a "I told you so" face and walked away in triumph.
The discussion began of how sure was I that I was pregnant, how strong were the symptoms. I told her that the morning sickness was light and that was all I had. She listened with that look on her face that I knew was not good. We continued the visit with taking a blood draw, routine for the first visit, and sending it the labs for my HCG levels. Maybe my timing was off, maybe baby was only 6 weeks and that is why we couldn't find a heartbeat. I knew that wasn't it... but I wanted to hold on to a shred of hope. That light at the end of the tunnel to hold on to, even though the darkness was greater then the light.
Every single long 24 hour day I waited to see something happen or stop happening. Waited for the pain, waited for more blood, waited for a miracle. Nothing.
The weekend passed, I started Googling my symptoms and that made it worse. I was either still pregnant or dying from ovarian cancer. My emotions were on a roller coaster and I couldn't hang on. Before this I was a very logical, stable and not at all emotional person. I wish someone had told me this was not going to stay. Now I would cry at the drop of a pin, every piece of maternity clothing I saw made me cry from my gut. Thinking about losing the baby, sobbing. Thinking about how we would never know the gender, know its name or see it play with its siblings, on the floor as a sobbing mess.
Monday came, finally, we did more blood draws. The numbers came back that the HCG had dropped by 7,000 which meant it was a non-viable pregnancy. The nice term they use for miscarriage. I started asking the midwife assistant who had 3 losses what to expect, what it was like. She gave me at the time some really great advice but I realize now that it was sugar coated and I realize that after being on the other side. I wanted the truth, I wanted to know what was to come. How soon? How bad is it? No one could prepare me for what was to come.
The days wore on, nothing had changed. The light spotting continued and I was tired of being a recluse and living my life in fear. I wanted normalcy, I was determined to carry on with life and pick my sobbing self off the floor. The midwife had no definable answers for me and said that every miscarriage was different. Sometimes the spotting goes on for 4 weeks. 4 WEEKS! Are you serious? Forget this! I need a run, I need to just get back to normal! The kids start school on Monday I am going full throttle on that.
All this time I was keeping in contact with 2 friends who also experienced a loss. They were exactly the support I needed. The confirmation that I wasn't crazy. The hug I needed when I needed it.
Sunday Night, a week and 3 days after that first visit to the midwife. It finally happened. After going to bed I was feeling different, no pain but not comfortable. I woke up at 11pm to feeling 'wet' and I decided to stand up and go to the bathroom. That was the start of the most gruesome experience in my life.
I had given birth to 3 kids and never bled this much, so in my mind I had something wrong with me. I had called the ER and warned them we were coming so they nicely met me at the door with a rolling bed and we got right in. I was afraid I was loosing to much blood, needed a D and C, something drastic.
My inner midwife wanna be came out and I gave the nurses and doctor all the stats, numbers on iron levels and HCG at last check. My blood type and my medical history, all before they asked. Being a vegan my iron levels were always high and never a problem, thankfully this time they were as well. All my numbers came back good and they did that dreaded exam. Apparently seeing the birth of his 3 children never made my husband light headed but sitting next to me when I had the exam done, that did him in! In the middle of the exam my husband said "I'm going to faint" he turned whiter then normal and passed out! Not something I was expecting for sure. They had to wheel him off to another room and keep taking care of me. We later joked he was jealous and wanted to be the center of attention.
They said everything looked good and I was free to go. The blood was not pooling and my body was doing its job.Thank goodness! So after I walked around a bit and no light headed feeling we were sent home.
The month of the miscarriage was horrible and the following month was no better. We had a major hurricane hit the area and we had no power and water for a week. So living at my parents house was a must. While we were there the bleeding got worse! Then one night I lost a huge piece of tissue. That was why I kept bleeding! Now after that it could finally recover. No... sorry... it keeps going.
The weeks grew... 5 weeks post miscarriage, 6 weeks, 7 weeks, still spotting lightly but never 100% gone. The utter exhaustion of waiting and wanting a life of some kind of normalcy back was killing me slowly inside. I called the birth center and the said to go for an ultrasound. Fri it went, the tech said everything looked normal. There wasn't anything off and that I just had a thick lining. Celebration! An ending! Now just tell my body that! They needed to get the final results from the radiologist but I would know more Monday.
When they finally got the results back on Tuesday I was expecting the same answer that the tech gave me. Life is never easy like that. One of the other midwives there at the birth center got the results and tells me via text Wednesday morning that I will likely need a D&C. What?!? Where did that come from? "Why? What did the radiologist say?" She tells me that I have a think endometrial lining and that it means I will more then likely need a D&C and to call her later for a care plan. No! I don't want a D&C! The recovery for that is weeks, I will be starting back over from 7 weeks ago! No! Aren't there any other options? She says no, but I won't stand for that. I will find a way. Never in my life have I ever had surgery or taken medications or had been put under and this was not how I was going to start.
I call her a couple of horrible hours later, long enough time for me to research it and all the complications and how it will be more recovery time. I felt sick to my stomach. She spares no details of how I will be put under, my cervix will be dilated and they will scrape out my womb. This time I don't want to know that much information. I want to throw up and run away all at the same time. I have to go in that same day for blood work to check HCG levels and my iron levels. I walk in and wait in the little room, my midwife that I loved so much walks in the room and just gives me a hug. That was what I needed. She sits down and says she just got off the phone with their consulting OB and they don't think I need a D&C. "What!" I exclaim and fall back on to the bed. "Why did the other midwife say I needed one!?!" At this point I'm over joyed I don't need medical intervention yet I really wanted to yell at the other midwife for putting me thru an awful 2hrs of stress. She did't know why but said that the other OB looked at the ultrasound and knew my history and said its just a wait and watch thing now. The thick lining wasn't a cause for concern and my body will do what it needs. If there was sign of tissue or other signs of infection then they would go another route. So not to worry and just trust your body. I wanted to hug her again, so I did. She said lets see what the HCG levels and other test levels come back as and go from there. But not to worry.
I feel like that put my mind at ease and finally the bleeding stopped. The next day was nothing! It was like the end was finally here! My levels came back normal, the HCG was level was back to normal and my iron levels were still high! So happy and so ready to move on to a normal life again. The bleeding stopped for a full 5 days and I was finally in the clear. This was truly the longest miscarriage ever.
Will you get thru it? Yes! Will you be the same? No. You will be a stronger and better person. More compassion and empathy for others and now a shoulder to lean on for others too. You don't really know unless you have been there. Don't let miscarriage be a taboo subject, talk! Be there for each other!
So the spotting begins
The Friday after our visit to the midwife I stared spotting, something I never had with the other kids. I called the midwife and told her, I asked if this was something to worry about. She explained that its common for a lot of pregnancies. But I told her "Its not me! This is not my MO!" It was almost as if I was looking for confirmation for what my gut was saying. She couldn't tell me either way of course, but said to keep her informed and check in everyday. She told me "I don't have a good feeling about this." "Neither do I", I told her.Every single long 24 hour day I waited to see something happen or stop happening. Waited for the pain, waited for more blood, waited for a miracle. Nothing.
The weekend passed, I started Googling my symptoms and that made it worse. I was either still pregnant or dying from ovarian cancer. My emotions were on a roller coaster and I couldn't hang on. Before this I was a very logical, stable and not at all emotional person. I wish someone had told me this was not going to stay. Now I would cry at the drop of a pin, every piece of maternity clothing I saw made me cry from my gut. Thinking about losing the baby, sobbing. Thinking about how we would never know the gender, know its name or see it play with its siblings, on the floor as a sobbing mess.
Monday came, finally, we did more blood draws. The numbers came back that the HCG had dropped by 7,000 which meant it was a non-viable pregnancy. The nice term they use for miscarriage. I started asking the midwife assistant who had 3 losses what to expect, what it was like. She gave me at the time some really great advice but I realize now that it was sugar coated and I realize that after being on the other side. I wanted the truth, I wanted to know what was to come. How soon? How bad is it? No one could prepare me for what was to come.
The days wore on, nothing had changed. The light spotting continued and I was tired of being a recluse and living my life in fear. I wanted normalcy, I was determined to carry on with life and pick my sobbing self off the floor. The midwife had no definable answers for me and said that every miscarriage was different. Sometimes the spotting goes on for 4 weeks. 4 WEEKS! Are you serious? Forget this! I need a run, I need to just get back to normal! The kids start school on Monday I am going full throttle on that.
All this time I was keeping in contact with 2 friends who also experienced a loss. They were exactly the support I needed. The confirmation that I wasn't crazy. The hug I needed when I needed it.
Sunday Night, a week and 3 days after that first visit to the midwife. It finally happened. After going to bed I was feeling different, no pain but not comfortable. I woke up at 11pm to feeling 'wet' and I decided to stand up and go to the bathroom. That was the start of the most gruesome experience in my life.
The horror movie
The amount of blood and tissue was like a horror movie. It was everywhere, all over the carpet, the bathroom floor, me. I was disgusted and happy at the same time. I was happy it was over and happy I had a final answer. The bleeding continued and I went back to bed. An hour later I got up again to another gush of blood and more tissue. More blood on the floor and more mess to clean up. Another shower and more pads. Then it didn't stop, the bleeding was like a river and I was getting scared. I called the midwife on call and she said to go to the ER to be sure. By this point the pads were pointless and I was using a baby diaper and huge chucks pads. The kids were all asleep so we called my mom to come over and watch them while we went to the ER. The baby was waking up and I was praying he would be ok while I was gone. There was no way I could watch him in the ER and deal with this.I had given birth to 3 kids and never bled this much, so in my mind I had something wrong with me. I had called the ER and warned them we were coming so they nicely met me at the door with a rolling bed and we got right in. I was afraid I was loosing to much blood, needed a D and C, something drastic.
My inner midwife wanna be came out and I gave the nurses and doctor all the stats, numbers on iron levels and HCG at last check. My blood type and my medical history, all before they asked. Being a vegan my iron levels were always high and never a problem, thankfully this time they were as well. All my numbers came back good and they did that dreaded exam. Apparently seeing the birth of his 3 children never made my husband light headed but sitting next to me when I had the exam done, that did him in! In the middle of the exam my husband said "I'm going to faint" he turned whiter then normal and passed out! Not something I was expecting for sure. They had to wheel him off to another room and keep taking care of me. We later joked he was jealous and wanted to be the center of attention.
They said everything looked good and I was free to go. The blood was not pooling and my body was doing its job.Thank goodness! So after I walked around a bit and no light headed feeling we were sent home.
The end?
The would seem to be the end of this horrible tale, but it wasn't. This was the miscarriage that never ended. The bleeding got less but it never stopped. 1 week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 4 weeks... still going. I kept in contact with the midwife and told her. She didn't seem concerned and just told me some take longer then others to heal. Everyone is different in how they deal with it emotionally too, whatever you need to do to help yourselves heal. Do it! Make a memorial book, piece of jewelry, plant a garden. Whatever it takes! Those weeks that the recovery dragged on, the emotional roller coaster kept going. I wanted off! I wanted to move on! But everyday the same story. And to top it off I couldn't do anything to help it heal faster! No running, my stress relief. No picking up my 2yr old (he is 27lbs). So just more waiting.The month of the miscarriage was horrible and the following month was no better. We had a major hurricane hit the area and we had no power and water for a week. So living at my parents house was a must. While we were there the bleeding got worse! Then one night I lost a huge piece of tissue. That was why I kept bleeding! Now after that it could finally recover. No... sorry... it keeps going.
The weeks grew... 5 weeks post miscarriage, 6 weeks, 7 weeks, still spotting lightly but never 100% gone. The utter exhaustion of waiting and wanting a life of some kind of normalcy back was killing me slowly inside. I called the birth center and the said to go for an ultrasound. Fri it went, the tech said everything looked normal. There wasn't anything off and that I just had a thick lining. Celebration! An ending! Now just tell my body that! They needed to get the final results from the radiologist but I would know more Monday.
When they finally got the results back on Tuesday I was expecting the same answer that the tech gave me. Life is never easy like that. One of the other midwives there at the birth center got the results and tells me via text Wednesday morning that I will likely need a D&C. What?!? Where did that come from? "Why? What did the radiologist say?" She tells me that I have a think endometrial lining and that it means I will more then likely need a D&C and to call her later for a care plan. No! I don't want a D&C! The recovery for that is weeks, I will be starting back over from 7 weeks ago! No! Aren't there any other options? She says no, but I won't stand for that. I will find a way. Never in my life have I ever had surgery or taken medications or had been put under and this was not how I was going to start.
I call her a couple of horrible hours later, long enough time for me to research it and all the complications and how it will be more recovery time. I felt sick to my stomach. She spares no details of how I will be put under, my cervix will be dilated and they will scrape out my womb. This time I don't want to know that much information. I want to throw up and run away all at the same time. I have to go in that same day for blood work to check HCG levels and my iron levels. I walk in and wait in the little room, my midwife that I loved so much walks in the room and just gives me a hug. That was what I needed. She sits down and says she just got off the phone with their consulting OB and they don't think I need a D&C. "What!" I exclaim and fall back on to the bed. "Why did the other midwife say I needed one!?!" At this point I'm over joyed I don't need medical intervention yet I really wanted to yell at the other midwife for putting me thru an awful 2hrs of stress. She did't know why but said that the other OB looked at the ultrasound and knew my history and said its just a wait and watch thing now. The thick lining wasn't a cause for concern and my body will do what it needs. If there was sign of tissue or other signs of infection then they would go another route. So not to worry and just trust your body. I wanted to hug her again, so I did. She said lets see what the HCG levels and other test levels come back as and go from there. But not to worry.
I feel like that put my mind at ease and finally the bleeding stopped. The next day was nothing! It was like the end was finally here! My levels came back normal, the HCG was level was back to normal and my iron levels were still high! So happy and so ready to move on to a normal life again. The bleeding stopped for a full 5 days and I was finally in the clear. This was truly the longest miscarriage ever.
Will you get thru it? Yes! Will you be the same? No. You will be a stronger and better person. More compassion and empathy for others and now a shoulder to lean on for others too. You don't really know unless you have been there. Don't let miscarriage be a taboo subject, talk! Be there for each other!
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